Parenting can be difficult, especially when making the best decisions for your family goes against the tide of culture. Decisions like postponing social media access or not giving your child a phone at a young age can sometimes make children feel isolated from their peers, even if it’s for the best in the long run. So how do you find the balance?

This week on Family Policy Matters, host Traci DeVette Griggs welcomes Dr. John Cuddeback, Professor of Philosophy at Christendom College, to discuss the benefits and challenges of raising children “different.”

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Family Policy Matters

How to Raise Your Kids “Different” (with Dr. John Cuddeback)

TRACI DEVETTE GRIGGS: Thanks for joining us this week for Family Policy Matters. Many faithful parents are concerned about the lessons and pressures today’s culture is presenting to our children, and rightly so. We know we want our children to be different from the mainstream culture, but are often overwhelmed at the prospect of how we go about doing that in our homes and families. Well, we’re joined today by Dr John Cuddeback, professor of philosophy at Christendom College, where he lectures on virtue, fatherhood, friendship, homesteading and household. Now those are some courses I would love to take. He’s author of the book True Friendship: Where Virtue Becomes Happiness, and offers articles and online courses through his website, Life Craft. He joins us today to discuss his recent article, The Pain of Being Raised Different. Dr John Cuddeback, welcome to Family Policy Matters.

DR. JOHN CUDDEBACK: Thank you. Traci, great to be here.

TRACI DEVETTE GRIGGS: All right, so first of all, let me ask about the title of your most recent article, The Pain of Being Raised Different. I’m assuming that’s not a grammatical error. I mean you meant to say being raised different, as opposed to differently. So, what do you mean by that?

DR. JOHN CUDDEBACK: Of course, we could use the adverb too, because the raising is done differently, but you’re absolutely right. Did make an adjective on purpose because I’m focusing on the pain of the child and the child who experiences himself, herself, as being different. So, the pain of being raised different from those around you, and as a parent, as someone who thinks a lot about parenting and trying to do it the best that we can, it really became more and more clear to me over the years that this was a very significant thing that my wife and I were not so much noticing. We were very intentional about, how can we do best by our children? What do they need? What do we want them to have? What do we want them to not have? You know, we want them to be doing. What do I want them to not be doing? But we weren’t realizing how significant it was in their experience that, wow, if we actually are succeeding in forming them the way we want to, they’re going to have this very difficult experience of, I don’t fit in. Kind of, who am I? How do I live among these peers? How do I have friends? So that pain is the focus point for me.

TRACI DEVETTE GRIGGS: Okay, now, I personally was raised different. It was not a religious sense, though, and I don’t know that my parents were very intentional about it. My dad was a very different person. And I think a lot of people may have that same sense, but you’re not talking about that, right? You talk about this more of an intentional way of raising your kids to be different. So, talk about that. What are the virtues and the signs that we’re going to be looking for?

DR. JOHN CUDDEBACK: Here’s the thing. I’m taking for granted, that we have parents who have a view that, just de facto at this point, is quite different from the dominant view around us. Now, of course, we’re painting with a broad stroke here. There are certainly people out there that agree with parents on the point of, I want to raise my child to have a certain positive character, but this is very counter cultural. Generally, this is a different way of raising our children. More and more, it has become dominant in our culture to think in terms of kind of success, in the way that is a more kind of material wealth, pleasure, popularity, so much that is encouraged by the social media, right, that we have a very different view of what kind of happiness is, what human life is about. And then you have a more, we’ll say, traditional view that human life is about becoming a certain kind of person. It’s not so much having things, it’s becoming a certain kind of person, having certain kinds of rich relationships and connections, being a part of a certain kind of community. Just simply raise children in that way, which is very much rooted in a faith tradition. It also goes back even prior to Christianity. I mean, you have this in the great Greeks. I’m a philosopher, you know, this is very much, you find this in Aristotle, the great Greco Roman tradition. So those who wants to do that and pass that on, to raise their children in that way, are finding, wow, we have to be very intentional about this, otherwise our children will take on views that are contrary to it.

TRACI DEVETTE GRIGGS: So, it’s not really that this is just a new generation and they’re having the same old, same old issues. I mean, literally, it’s more difficult for parents now because they are fighting against a culture that may not define virtues as respecting elders or going to church, as we used to. It’s more difficult.

DR. JOHN CUDDEBACK: Absolutely. And look, this isn’t a woe is me, doomsday approach. It’s living in the truth. We have to be realistic. As a Christian, I think it’s critical that we have a position of faith, of hope. There’s great reason for hope here, but at the same time, the truth shall set you free. We’re going to live in the truth here. And we have to recognize that the dominant approach of our society, the dominant things are being conveyed, especially through the so powerful means of the media, of entertainment, of social communication, of the internet, is encouraging anti virtues. It’s encouraging an approach to life that prioritizes what should not be prioritized. And raising children is fundamentally about teaching them to see what is more important versus what’s less important. And so now we’re working against the current. Again, it takes intentionality. It can be done, but now we need to focus on, hey, that’s going to take a toll on them, we’re going to have to be ready to be with them. Not only are we going to have to be very intentional about passing on certain things that others aren’t going to be teaching them, so we need to teach them, but then also, we have to be very alert to their feeling isolated, to their being lonely and being challenged by all those around them. Hey, maybe what your parents are giving you isn’t worth it, because you’re not going to be able to have any friends. That part of our forming them is to see that’s part of the issue.

TRACI DEVETTE GRIGGS: Speaking of friendships, the point you make is that these virtues are actually key to good friendships, right? Valuable friendships, lasting friendships, and even the happiness, a long-lasting happiness in our children’s lives. Talk about that. Why is that the case?

DR. JOHN CUDDEBACK: Great point, things aren’t always as they appear, and especially to the young. Isn’t it the center of the art of raising, of forming children, of this great thing called education, which all of the greatest minds, from time memorial, have always bent their energy around, because it’s difficult, because it is going to take so much is, how do we get them to see things that are hard for them to see? How do we get them to focus on what really is going to be for their true good versus what’s for their passing good? In your point, that question absolutely highlights this aspect of the kind of virtues. Let’s name a couple. You know, restraint, temperance, right in the realm of sexuality, right today, it’s powerfully promoted to them that your happiness is connected to not being inhibited and being able to do as you please here, whereas, in fact, the wisdom of the tradition, which is so born out in experience, is that restraint, temperance, chastity, are part of the gift of life. They’re part of what empower you to live a truly human life in great relationships. It’s hard for the young to see that. We have to help them to see that, especially when it’s being so powerfully promoted otherwise. So yes, for instance, encouraging an attitude of respect between the sexes and of restraint is a key to their having the kind of relationships they so badly want to have. So, we are setting them up for good relationships, but in the meantime, as we’re in the forming of them, it’s very difficult for them to see that, because they feel so different from those around them. So again, that’s going to have to be part of how we form them is also dealing with that special challenge.

TRACI DEVETTE GRIGGS: Okay, well, how do you go about insulating your child against the difficulties they’re going to face in being different?

DR. JOHN CUDDEBACK: Great question, but there’s only so much insulation. How about if we say fortifying, okay, and one of the key things, and this is the gift I love by a divine providence, it’s dealing with challenges, is always an opportunity for things to be better than they would have been. That we have to work on this is going to have very good fruits. This is going to make us have to go deeper in our relationship with them. The main recommendation, the main takeaway here, is I love and encouraging parents on this. And it really strikes them, we’ve got to recognize, we’ve got to see through our children’s eyes of the pain they have. What does that mean? That means we need to be present with them. It means we need to be ready to draw them out. Means we need to be ready to suffer with them, and at times, just recognize that what we’re inviting them to do, to live a life of character, to live a life of faith, is very hard, and we shouldn’t always just be talking at them of well, this is the right thing, so you’ve got to do this. This is worth your doing. Yes, that’s true, and we are trying to convey that. But also I know how hard it is. It’s hard for me to and I am with you in this. You are not alone. That, to me, is the most important thing. It sounds so simple, but so many of us are missing it. I’m an educator. I’m around young people all the time. One of the biggest things that good parents are not recognizing is how alone their children feel even in relation to them, their parents. And so, to see this as another call, another opportunity to go back and recognize our children need us more than we realize. They need us to be present to them, to deepen this relationship, to just be willing to be there with them, to talk these things through with them while we’re being intentional about informing them. To be different.

TRACI DEVETTE GRIGGS: Wow. Thank you very much. What a great word of encouragement for parents. Let’s talk about some of those specifics then. In your most recent article, you say there is a pervasive presence of social media, disordered music, and banal, if not noxious, games and entertainment. This is a quote, and there is the loss of civility and manners as well as of ordinary, wholesome pastimes. End quote. But certainly not all social media is bad, not all music and online games are bad. So how do parents go about day to day trying to define what is different in a good way and what is just not necessary?

DR. JOHN CUDDEBACK: This is the question, and there is no easy answer to it, but I start by saying this. First of all, if we’re blessed to be in a marriage where we can work on this together with our spouse, this is precisely what’s going to draw us closer together. This is what we’re going to speak about together. This is what we’re going to pray about together. This is what we’re going to focus on together, trying to answer precisely this question. So already it’s going to be a gift to the marriage. We’re going to gird ourselves up and say we were made for this. We can do this. We’re going to go back to our basic principles. We’re going to go back to our faith, and we’re going to recognize we got to meditate upon this. We’re going to pray about this. Begin with the principle of the end is the starting point, the goal. What is the goal? And we need to have a very clear conception of the kind of person that we’re trying to form our children to be. And we need to be able to imagine it and go through and think of what are the different, especially, character traits, what are the ways that they’re going to relate to people? And this includes things such as manners, civility. It includes the kinds of pastime. How are they going to work? What’s their work ethic going to be like? How are they going to entertain themselves? Do they have a sense of leisure? Do they have a sense of real leisure? Okay, where are they going to get this from? They’re going to get it especially from in the home. And so, we’re going to take a positive attitude here. It’s not just keeping out the bad. It’s building in the good. We’re going to make a home culture that is full of life. This is where it’s at today. This is the center point. We need homes that are vibrant and alive and happy. And the only way they can be vibrant, alive, and happy is that the parents are invested in them and making it be real, and making it be real in very simple, ordinary, traditional, down home, physically present ways. And children turn to social media and banal video games and on and on and go in the room and close the door and listen to music. If there’s not other things going on, we need to invest it’s going to be hard for us, a challenging for us, but this is what parenting is about. We’re going to have to look at our own priorities and recognize regardless of what we wanted to be doing, this is what our children need us need to be doing. It’s what we need together as a family to do these positive kind of activities where we can be teaching them their social skills, passing on civility and all these other rich things.

TRACI DEVETTE GRIGGS: I’m assuming it’s never too late. What kind of advice do you have for people who maybe feel like they’ve blown it?

DR. JOHN CUDDEBACK: I say what you say, it is never too late. Today is the first day of the rest of our life. It sounds trite. This is simply true. It is also profoundly Christian to me there, especially if I can make the faith appeal, I’d say, turn to the Lord. Make this an object of prayer, conversion. This is a time for turning. We’re going to begin right now. It’s a waste of time to look to the past and mope over the past. We’re going to right now, just start to build in a richer life. This is what God designed us for. This is always in our power. By His grace. We ask for his assistance, we turn to those around us, because we do need people around us. This is part of the reason it’s so difficult for our children to feel different. We don’t want them to be different for the sake of being different. We only form them to be different when they need to be different from dominant bad things. Ultimately, we want them to be the same as people that are seeking after the things that God made us for, because we’re made for community, and community requires a certain kind of sameness. Ultimately, we’re raising them to be the same in the good sense, with many other great people are trying to respond. So if this is a new point of insight for us, and this is a moment of grace, this is a moment of oh, my goodness, this is a gift. This is being given to all of us, whether it’s early, late, it’s all a gift from God, wherever we are, we start from here. We can do better by ourselves. We can do better by our spouses. We can do better by our children, to try to live that life that God wants us to have more abundantly.

TRACI DEVETTE GRIGGS: All right. Well, we are just about out of time for people who are out there listening and they’re like, Oh yes, I need to know more about this. Where can they go?

DR. JOHN CUDDEBACK: Website, Life-Craft.org, we also have a podcast, The Intentional Household.

TRACI DEVETTE GRIGGS: All right. Well, what a pleasure. Thank you. Dr John Cuddeback, thank you for being with us today.

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